Monday, October 12, 2009

It's that time of the year...

I don't cry much. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a tough guy in any sense of the word. And most people would probably even call me sensitive, but I don't cry much. On average, I probably cry once a year...twice tops if it's a big year. That's not to say I don't well up when I watch a sappy movie or when I got married, but it's still different then crying. Well yesterday, I guess it was just that time of the year because I cried.

We got to the airport around 8am, well before Mommy and Kaylani's 9:40am flight. The original plan was to check-in, and then grab breakfast before they headed through security. The problem with our plan was that at the Philly airport, or at least in our terminal, there was no place for breakfast outside of security. And since Kaylani was up at 6:30am (against her will) and needed to have breakfast, that meant it was time to say goodbye, about an hour before our original plan.

As I watched Mommy get things ready to go through security, including taking out plastic bags of liquids/food, DVD players, shoes for both her and Kaylani, I started to well up a little bit. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it was just a lot of emotion going through me. Only 5 minutes before that I gave Kaylani a big hug and a kiss, had her blow a kiss back at me and touch my nose, and then gave Mommy a hug and a kiss too. And as I was standing there watching them slowly go through the gate, I started to cry.

I couldn't believe I was crying because it wasn't an emotion that I've ever had to deal with before. It wasn't a situation I've ever had to deal with before. It was something completely different and I just wasn't prepared for it. As soon as they disappeared from site, I started to walk back towards my car and fought to hide my tears. Luckily I didn't walk by anyone because I probably looked a little ridiculous walking alone, holding Kaylani's jacket, and crying.

When I got to the car, I lost it. I sat there for 3 minutes in a complete breakdown. I finally regained my composure, wiped away my tears, and started the car. The rest of the day I spent trying to distract myself. I read the rest of my book that I picked up on the way to Boston earlier in the week. I went to a bar and watched the Red Sox lose, the Giants win, and eventually, the Yankees win too. I did everything I could to distract myself, but nothing helped me from feeling empty inside.

Looking back, I can understand why the emotion came out so strongly. Sure I've gone a few days without seeing Kaylani, but I've never had to say bye before doing so. Usually it's leaving for work before she wakes up, and getting home after she goes to sleep, but I know that it's only for a day or two. When I went to Boston, it was the same, where I left in the morning like normal, and came back 2 nights later as if she just slept through my night and morning. This time, I was saying bye. I was watching her (and Mommy) walk away from me, which is a much harder thing to do, and not something that I'd like to happen often.

Last night, I laid alone in my bed in the dark. There was no glow coming from Kaylani's video monitor. There was no sound coming from Kaylani's audio monitor. There was no one in the room except me. Needless to say, it was lonely. Tonight, it's more of the same. I stayed a little later at work. I had dinner by myself. And now I'm staring mindlessly at the TV at a game that I have little interest in. Mommy and Kaylani are having a great time in Puerto Rico and I did get to speak to her a little bit too, or at least hear her say "Papa" a few times which is enough to hold me over.

It's just the start of the week, but soon enough I'll get to see them again. You never know what you miss until it's gone. Luckily for me, what I miss is coming back in 5 days. 5 days that couldn't come soon enough if you ask me. In the meantime, anyone need a Dad? I'm available.


Melisa with one S said...

Awww! You poor thing. Cheer up! You'll see them again soon!

surprised mom said...

The emotion sometimes catches you by surprise, doesn't it? I hope this week flies by and you have both Kaylani and Mommy in your arms again in no time.

WeaselMomma said...

Awwww. This will get better and they will come home soon. It will never be easy to say goodbye, but it won't always be this tough either.