It's that time of the year...

I don't cry much. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a tough guy in any sense of the word. And most people would probably even call me sensitive, but I don't cry much. On average, I probably cry once a year...twice tops if it's a big year. That's not to say I don't well up when I watch a sappy movie or when I got married, but it's still different then crying. Well yesterday, I guess it was just that time of the year because I cried.

We got to the airport around 8am, well before Mommy and Kaylani's 9:40am flight. The original plan was to check-in, and then grab breakfast before they headed through security. The problem with our plan was that at the Philly airport, or at least in our terminal, there was no place for breakfast outside of security. And since Kaylani was up at 6:30am (against her will) and needed to have breakfast, that meant it was time to say goodbye, about an hour before our original plan.

As I watched Mommy get things ready to go through security, including taking out plastic bags of liquids/food, DVD players, shoes for both her and Kaylani, I started to well up a little bit. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it was just a lot of emotion going through me. Only 5 minutes before that I gave Kaylani a big hug and a kiss, had her blow a kiss back at me and touch my nose, and then gave Mommy a hug and a kiss too. And as I was standing there watching them slowly go through the gate, I started to cry.

I couldn't believe I was crying because it wasn't an emotion that I've ever had to deal with before. It wasn't a situation I've ever had to deal with before. It was something completely different and I just wasn't prepared for it. As soon as they disappeared from site, I started to walk back towards my car and fought to hide my tears. Luckily I didn't walk by anyone because I probably looked a little ridiculous walking alone, holding Kaylani's jacket, and crying.

When I got to the car, I lost it. I sat there for 3 minutes in a complete breakdown. I finally regained my composure, wiped away my tears, and started the car. The rest of the day I spent trying to distract myself. I read the rest of my book that I picked up on the way to Boston earlier in the week. I went to a bar and watched the Red Sox lose, the Giants win, and eventually, the Yankees win too. I did everything I could to distract myself, but nothing helped me from feeling empty inside.

Looking back, I can understand why the emotion came out so strongly. Sure I've gone a few days without seeing Kaylani, but I've never had to say bye before doing so. Usually it's leaving for work before she wakes up, and getting home after she goes to sleep, but I know that it's only for a day or two. When I went to Boston, it was the same, where I left in the morning like normal, and came back 2 nights later as if she just slept through my night and morning. This time, I was saying bye. I was watching her (and Mommy) walk away from me, which is a much harder thing to do, and not something that I'd like to happen often.

Last night, I laid alone in my bed in the dark. There was no glow coming from Kaylani's video monitor. There was no sound coming from Kaylani's audio monitor. There was no one in the room except me. Needless to say, it was lonely. Tonight, it's more of the same. I stayed a little later at work. I had dinner by myself. And now I'm staring mindlessly at the TV at a game that I have little interest in. Mommy and Kaylani are having a great time in Puerto Rico and I did get to speak to her a little bit too, or at least hear her say "Papa" a few times which is enough to hold me over.

It's just the start of the week, but soon enough I'll get to see them again. You never know what you miss until it's gone. Luckily for me, what I miss is coming back in 5 days. 5 days that couldn't come soon enough if you ask me. In the meantime, anyone need a Dad? I'm available.

The week ahead...

Tonight is Kaylani's last night at home for a week. It's also Mommy's last night at home for a week. It is NOT Daddy's last night at home for a week. That's right, Mommy and Kaylani are headed to Puerto Rico for Mayra Lee's wedding, and unfortunately Daddy can't take time off since he just started a new job 2 weeks ago.

The fact that Daddy will be alone at home for a week is the obvious part. The fact that Mommy and Kaylani will be on their own (with Abuelita) in Puerto Rico is also obvious. What may not be obvious is that the most nervewracking part of all of this comes tomorrow at 9:20am. That's when Mommy and Kaylani take off from Philly...on their first flight alone. Kaylani's been on a plane two other times, with the last also being to Puerto Rico back in March, but things were different back then. Back then, Kaylani was only 5 months old. Back then, Kaylani couldn't sit up, could barely grab things, and was nursing for her primary source of food. Oh how times have changed.

Here we are, 6 months later, and everything is different. Kaylani wants to stand now. She wants to walk. She wants to eat anything she can get her hands on (and some things she can't). She doesn't want to sleep. She doesn't want to sit still. And she talks. A lot. All of that is what makes the flying part scary for Mommy. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Kaylani and Mommy will be in first class (courtesy of frequent flier miles). Normally, flying First Class would be great, luxurious, relaxing. Now, it's just another source of stress for Mommy who worries what the other people in first class will think if Kaylani acts up.

Mommy's already packed a host of distractions to hopefully keep Kaylani entertained for the 3.5 hour flight. She's got a DVD player with Curious George, a bottle, a sippy cup, Cheerios, food, 6 books, plenty of toys, a bottle of water, and if worst comes to worst, her Blackberry. I'm hoping she does great so that she and Mommy have a great trip to Puerto Rico, but only time will tell. If you're curious to see how it turns out, check back tomorrow or Monday. I'll be sure to get all the details from Mommy before then.

Failed Night Out

With Abuela in town for only a few more nights, we planned on taking advantage by sneaking out for a dinner alone. No highchair, no stroller, no variety of toys to distract Kaylani, and no having to move silverware away from her until finally giving in and letting her play with them. We had planned on heading to our favorite restaurant, Sotto in downtown Princeton, to celebrate Mommy's birthday a day late. We even had a plan for our plan that involved putting Kaylani down by 8pm so we could eat sometime before 9pm and be back well before 11pm. We planned on enjoying our dinner without having to look at a monitor or listen to see if Kaylani was crying. What we didn't have was a plan for when everything went differently from our plan.

I got home from work around 6:30pm which was during Kaylani's dinner time. Word on the street was she was being a bit fussy today, so after struggling to get Kaylani to eat all 4oz of her dinner tonight, it was time for bed. By 7:15pm, Mommy was ready to nurse Kaylani, and by 8pm, Kaylani was passed out and ready to be put into her crib. So far, our plan was going perfectly. But that's as far as we got. After 15 minutes, Daddy went in to check on Kaylani for the 2nd time. With a little bit of gentle forehead stroking, Kaylani was practically asleep, but not asleep enough to get out of the room without her making a stink out of it. Literally. Kaylani got so upset that she pooped.

Poop is the one thing that gets Daddy to give in and pick her up after she's been put down for the night. So after changing her and some gentle swaying, back into the crib she went. The crying commenced immediately, and after another 30 minutes and 2 trips in, things were looking grim for our hopes at dinner. At 9pm, Daddy went in for the 5th time tonight and tried to calm her down so she would fall asleep. And just like the other 4 times, she would quiet down, close her eyes, and try and get comfortable as long as Daddy had a hand on her. But once the hand disappeared, the crying came back.

At 9:15pm, Mommy and Daddy pulled the plug on our night out. Besides the fact that Kaylani still wasn't asleep, it was also too late for us to go out because we're old and lame. Instead, we headed down to the kitchen to heat up some leftovers and settle in for our nice dinner "alone" in the kitchen while staring at the monitor and listening to Kaylani cry, just like every other night. And wouldn't you know it, as soon as we sat down to take our first bite of food, Kaylani fell asleep. Just like we planned.

I'm convinced Kaylani knew we were trying to go out. As calming and reassuring to her as I tried to be to get her to sleep, apparently she saw right through me. She cried for 1.5 hours, and kept staring at the door and the monitor to make sure we knew she was looking for us. She calmed down only when I was there, and cried all the way until we sat down for our dinner. She knew. She had to. Why else would she have been crying?

Anyways, we're planning on trying again tomorrow night. One thought is to put her in her crib by 7pm, but knowing our luck, she'll pass out right away and wake up at 4am like she did 2 days ago. Hopefully tomorrow night will go better. If not, tomorrow will just be failed night out #2.

Alonehood

Having a baby completed me. At the ripe young age of 28, having a baby was one of the final pieces in my personal life goals. Now that its happened, my personal life goals extend much further, like celebrating my 50th anniversary or watching my daughter get married (which may happen at the same time if the boys stay away as I plan). But besides that, Fatherhood has been great to me. The problem is that with Fatherhood comes Alonehood.

Alonehood doesn't happen often. In fact, tonight is the first time in Kaylani's 7.5 months that I've experienced it. What is Alonehood? Well I'm glad you asked. Alonehood is experienced when a Dad (or Mom) are left alone sans wife and sans baby. Tonight, I'm alone. Mommy, Kaylani, Abuela, Abuelo, Carlitos, and Briseida are off in Amish Country and Hershey...and Daddy is alone. And tell you what, I don't like it!

Some may say that I should enjoy my alone time. Sure I went out after work and had a beer with some coworkers, but its not the same as going home to my little girl (and wife). To kill some time, I ran some errands around town and even had time to take care of some things for Mommy's upcoming birthday, which was great. But when it comes down to it, its 9:30pm and I'm still alone.

I had nachos and McDonald's for dinner, just like I did years ago before Mommy and way before Kaylani. I had beer and watched the Yankees game. I did all types of things, and none of them felt like I was reliving my youth/bachelorhood. Instead, it felt like I was alone. To make matters worse, Kaylani slept in again this morning so I haven't held her in over 24 hours which is sad.

After spending 7 hours in a conference room I could use a good Kaylani hug, kiss, and smile. Hopefully she'll be a little awake so I can see her when Mommy gets home. If not, I guess I'll wait until tomorrow. Worst case, I get to see her and Mommy. Best case I'll get to give her a big old squeeze tonight. Either way, one thing I know is that Fatherhood beats Alonehood any day of the week. I know I'm a Father everyday regardless of where Kaylani or I am, but its sure a lot better when we're together!

And since it's Thursday night/Friday, don't forget to check out Dad Blogs for some great Fatherhood Friday posts. I know I will! And while you're there, check out my Little League season ending coaching post on why you should coach Little League when you can! Available exclusively on my Sports IllustraDad column!