Thursday, November 13, 2008

Baby, you're full of...poop!

We are making a TON of progress over here at the Tam household. Tonight, we see if we can keep that momentum up. Before I dive into today's crap, here's last night's recap:

Kaylani had a nice sponge bath at 8pm, followed by some quiet time (nursing), and then she went quietly off to bed. If you recognize the routine, then you've tried (or read about) the Johnson's 3-step sleep routine! Well, if you replace bed with car seat, then that's exactly what we did last night. After a tip from our pediatrician to let Kaylani sleep in a car seat to help keep her close and warm, she made it 4 straight hours before waking up! Slept 9pm to 1am, nursed until 2am, slept til 4, nursed until 4:30, then slept until 6...all in the carseat! At 6, mommy took her into the glider and stayed there until 8, which is when I got up and watched Saved By The Bell and Sportscenter with her before we kicked off the day. I thought we could help the sleeping in a carseat process by making "vroom vroom" car noises, but that turned out to be wrong. Oh well, I guess we'll just stick with the carseat by itself for now.

So to get into today's topic of poop, Kaylani hadn't gone #2 since leaving the hospital, which in the world of babies, is a doo doo no no. Thankfully, she passed a bit of "mud" around 4:30pm yesterday, so we avoided the unpleasant business of a suppository. We were told that if she didn't have some "brown gold" for 24 hours that we would have to get her checked again. After entertaining Kaylani's first non-family visitors (thanks for coming Danika and Amanda!), the clock started ticking down. We were down to the wire and we checked to see if there was any "gas" left in the tank. What we got, was a whole lot more than gas.

Picture a baby, on a changing table attachment of a pack and play, getting ready to be changed. Her pants are being pulled down, a sock falls off, but just one. There are 3 buttons holding her onesie in place, and they slowly get undone, one by one. The onesie is pulled up above her waist, both legs held in one hand and high up in the air, and the first side of the diaper is unlatched. But wait, the dad freezes just for a second. He thinks the diaper looks a little...dark. He is overcome with joy! His baby girl has avoided a trip to the pediatrician! But something is wrong. He tries to restrain himself from unlatching the other side of the diaper. He hears his brain telling him to slow down. Telling him to call for mommy who will come make everything better like she always does, but his mouth isn't moving fast enough. In fact, his mouth isn't moving at all. And, it's too late. The diaper is undone, it hits the changing pad, and that's when it all went...brown.

Finally, his mouth moves. Time speeds back up into realtime, and now he's calling out for backup. "Backup! BACKUP!" he yells. Mommy comes over in a flash, and she too experiences the same feeling that something has gone terribly right and terribly wrong at the same time. But she is much more in control, but not IN control. Together, they scramble. Wipes are flying around left and right, diapers being taken up and put down. Paper towels are being used as makeshift tarps, more wipes, more diapers. But it's no use. They're overmatched. They're knee deep in poop! It's coming out faster then they can handle it. It's like a chocolate soft serve ice cream machine with the handle stuck in the "on" position. Finally, the poop machine, I mean the baby's butt, turns off. More wipes. More diapers. They think it's over. But it's not. Baby's not done with us. Not yet. More wipes. More diapers. More wipes. Eventually they give up. At the next break, they throw a diaper back on baby and call it quits. They know when they've been defeated, but they'll live to fight another day.

And that's enough detail for today, or probably a lifetime for all you non-baby experienced readers. But for those of you who do have kids, or have experiences with kids, tell me if you think I'm off, or feel free to share your own experiences. As parents, we might be on to a new form of birth control via storytelling! For now, I'm going to rest up for the night and just be glad that we avoided a trip to the pediatrician. Can't wait to see what our next adventure together is, because no matter what it is, I'm going to cherish them all.


Mr. Sherman said...

Isn't this what 7am is for you every morning anyhow?

Mr. Sherman said...

Did you light a match? Does the baby diaper incinerator work?

JonnyTam13 said...

Ummm...yes, but I poop directly into the toilet. If only I could teach Kaylani to do that now...