On the outside looking in...

It's a sad day here in Daddyville. Today, we made an executive decision to rotate nights of putting Kaylani to bed individually, and tonight is Mommy's turn. Actually, we made that decision last night after Daddy came home from baseball practice. Apparently once Daddy said good night and went to practice while Kaylani was still nursing, it caused a serious disruption in the bedtime routine. Instead of nursing calmly, then going to sleep by herself, Kaylani stared at the door and cried for 30 minutes without finishing nursing because she was looking for Daddy. Finally, after being picked up by Mommy and soothed for 30 minutes, she fell asleep with an occasional whimper.

Some may think that not being involved in the bedtime process would be a good thing for me. After all, it basically means that Daddy is "free" for 30-45 minutes to do whatever he wants while Mommy and Kaylani are closed up in Kaylani's room. But that's not how I look at it. Instead of "freedom", I'm in "confinement." The fact that "confinement" actually means I can be anywhere but Kaylani's room doesn't matter because it means I'm on the outside looking in.

Right now, I'm sitting on my living room couch staring at Kaylani's monitor while writing this post just to feel like I'm still part of bedtime. I can't actually see anything except an empty crib since the camera angle is only of her crib, but it's the closest I can be. When Kaylani has to burp or is done nursing, she won't be able to look over and smile at me like she usually does. So sadly, she can't see me, and I definitely can't see her.

But this is one of those things that just needs to be done to help Kaylani in the long run. Crying when one of us isn't there isn't a good thing. It makes for restless nights for everyone involved and is a habit that we really want to break now. We've been a big fan of our bedtime routine for quite some time now, but the problem with routines are that they're too routine. And with other commitments creeping in now and then, a routine just isn't going to cut it anymore. It's too sad to watch Kaylani go to bed sad. This is good for her. At least we hope it is.

Tomorrow night will be Daddy's turn to put Kaylani to sleep by himself. It'll be a little different since Mommy will still have to nurse her since Kaylani still won't take a bottle and Daddy still isn't producing milk. But after she's done nursing, we'll do the hand off and Daddy will say good night all by himself without Mommy there. I have a feeling tomorrow night will be even harder than tonight, but that's tomorrow. I'm still not over the feeling that I'm an outsider. So tonight, I guess I'll just keep staring at the monitor trying to catch a glimpse of my little girl. Maybe, just maybe, she'll see me too.